


How I Met My Lover

by MickeyJrWrites



Category: How I Met Your Mother, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-07-28 09:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7635580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MickeyJrWrites/pseuds/MickeyJrWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maria Hill is forced to pick up her old cover again. But this time she has back up in the form of her own personal redheaded nightmare, Natasha Romanoff. How will she survive this suburban hell?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're kidding, right? Right?!

 

“Come again?!” Maria repeated in unmasked shock, “I’m not doing that sir!”

“Commander Hill, I understand that this is not easy to take but…”

“You’re right it’s not!” Maria was one of the few people who could get away with interrupting Fury, “I haven’t been in the field for years!”

“I wouldn’t ask if there was another solution.” Fury promised in his low voice, “But frankly, Robin Scherbatsky is the perfect cover for this mission.”

Maria shook her head in disbelieve, “I haven’t talked to these people in years Nick, I can’t just barge back into their lives!”

“Actually, Robin moved to Japan for work and she talks to them at least once a week.” Fury could barely contain his smirk, “I had Stark build a… well, it’s a program that has your face and it allows them to skype with you. I’m not really sure how it works.”

“Why?”

If Fury had any sort of human facial reactions, Maria was sure he would have rolled his eyes at her, “Because you couldn’t just drop off the face of the earth, they would have called the police.”

Maria stares dumbly at her boss. Had he really thought of everything?

“But why Robin? SHIELD has so many covers that could be used! I’m the second in command! You need me here.”

Fury nodded, “I do need you and you’ll work here. The files have all the information on that new part of your cover.”

“But why Robin?” Maria repeated.

“Because Barney Stinson is the perfect way to get to your target.” Fury sighed, he was clearly done with her protests, “And apparently Robin’s friends still have the maturity of a couple of frat boys. They all live on the same two blocks. You’re the easiest and the fastest way in.”

“Fine.” She had to concede, “But I still don’t see where _she_ comes in.”

“To discourage any unwanted attention.” Fury answered simply, “That was quite the problem last time.”

Maria nodded because he was right. Ted and Barney… the whole thing was a mess. But she couldn’t just let it go.

“You can send me in with any other agent though. I’ve gone undercover with Coulson more times than I can count. It worked perfectly well.”

Fury leaned back in his chair with an uncomfortable grimace, “Well, Maria, you see, this assignment might last a while, so it would be best if your… uh… _personality_ matches your cover, and uh… over the last few years you’ve…uh… you’ve really grown into yourself and uh…”

“Spit it out man!” Maria had never known him to beat around the bush and it wasn’t the right time for him to start now.

“What Fury means is that you eat, breathe and talk _dyke_.” Natasha, that little redheaded demon, spoke up from across the conference room, feet perched impolitely on top of the table.

“Agent…”

“Sorry was that rude? Are you one of those people that prefers butch?” Natasha smirked, “Personally, I think they’re both degrading as fuck, but hey, whatever floats your boat.”

Maria narrowed her eyes but didn’t respond to the teasing comments. She wasn’t worth it.

“Director, if you put me in a house with her, someone will die.”

“Commander Hill, please.” Fury chastised her, Romanoff always was his favorite, “She is available for the mission and the only one with a high enough clearance.”

“Coulson has a higher clearance!” Maria argued.

“Please, you couldn’t act straight for more than a few hours!” Natasha piped up again with a scoff, “I bet even your underwear is flannel.”

“Agent Romanoff that is enough!” Fury glared at her, “SHIELD does not tolerate language like that and you damn well know it!”

“Yes sir.” Natasha’s meek voice gave Maria the slightest tingle of pleasure.

“You’ll start training for your mission tomorrow at 8 AM.” Fury passed them both a file, his voice making it clear that there was no room for any more arguments, “Together!”

Bless the man for pretending not to hear their pained groans.

 

 


	2. Please tell me you're kidding?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not really sure where I'm going with this one, but I think I like what I have so far :-) Chapters will get longer eventually

 

“I think she’d call you Ro.”

Natasha was already in the conference room, feet up on the table with a file spread out on her thighs. The way she so casually presented herself irked Maria more than anything else. They were running a goddamn business here, not playing high school.

“Who would?” Maria asked, letting her briefcase drop to the floor and trying desperately not to let her frustration shine through. She had so hoped that a night’s sleep would change her mind, or possibly even Fury’s, but life just didn’t work that way. She was stuck with Natasha Romanoff.

“Natalie.”

“Rushman? You’re going with that cover?”

“Hmm, it’s one of my best.” Natasha nodded, “File says your friend Barney likes to dig up dirt on people. And that he has the means to do it well. Natalie Rushman is completely prepared. Also, she’s been to Japan.”

Maria hummed, silently appreciating the thought her fellow agent had already put into this mission.

“What about Natasha? She ever been to Japan?”

“If there’s mayhem and disaster, usually I’ve been there, yes.” Natasha flashed her Black Widow smirk. Most people could mistake it for inviting, but Maria saw it as it was. A silent threat to back off.

“I’ve never been.” Maria provided airily, trying not to show how nervous the redhead made her, “You’ll have to teach me the basics. Robin and Natalie have been living there for a while.”

Natasha nodded, “Why did they move back?”

“Robin’s job.” Maria read from the file, “Natalie found a job in New York too.”

“A pity. I would have liked to scout the neighborhood for a few days.”

“We’re not there for the sights agents Romanoff.” Maria remarked with a little bite.

“Of course not Commander.” Natasha tried to seem scolded, but it sounded more like mocking to Maria, “We’re there for…”

“Cynthia Warren, age 36. Girlfriend to one Barney Stinson. She’s a scientist at the university. Rumor has it she has been attempting to create a super soldier serum.” Maria repeated, “SHIELD already has evidence that an alarming amount of nuclear material has been smuggled into the city.”

“So we need to act fast?” Natasha guessed.

“She doesn’t pose an imminent threat.” Maria shook her head, “The World Security Council wants to see if she can actually succeed in making the serum. We’re just monitoring her activity.”

Natasha frowned, “But SHIELD is against that, isn’t it? We’re not going to let her try that shit?”

“Our orders are to retrieve information.” Maria said, “ We don’t know for sure what she’s really up to. Once we know, we’ll act accordingly.”

“That’s not an answer Hill!” Natasha slammed her hand on the table, making it shudder under her force, “We’re not going to let her try that nuclear waste poison on a human, right?”

“If it’s up to me, no. But I’m not the one pulling the strings.” Maria didn’t like their situation either, but orders were orders. Natasha should know that.

“I’m not letting that happen. No matter what my orders are. We already have a few hulks too many.”

“Are you seriously telling me that the Black Widow has a conscience?” Maria mocked with a raised eyebrow.

Natasha seemed taken aback.

“I’m more than just a uniform Commander.”

“You want to tell that to the people you’ve murdered?” Maria bit. It was a low blow, but this conversation wasn’t going anywhere and frankly Maria was tired of Natasha’s uncharacteristic whining.

“I was following orders.”

“And that’s exactly what you’ll be doing on this mission too, agent.”

Natasha’s face fell, her green eyes turning dark. Maria had never seen so much emotion on the redhead’s face before, usually the Black Widow remained cold and unapproachable.

And she could deal with that, she could snap at the agent, bitch just as well as she did. But this? This face that turned from defiant to upset, maybe even hurt? Maria had no idea what to do with that.

“Excuse me. I think I would like to prepare for my cover in a more private setting.” Natasha’s chair scraped loudly over the floor as she pushed herself up and moved to the door, “Commander.”

The formal goodbye was like a blow to the face, Maria was more used to her taunts and jabs. Romanoff was only polite when she needed to be, on her missions.

Maria wasn’t sure what she did, but she fucked up. Epically.

 

 


	3. I do not want to do this

 

 

She tossed and turned that night, cursing her bed for being less comfortable than normal, kicking the blankets off for tangling with her legs. It just wasn’t a good night for her.

Her mind wandered to Natasha,  how upset she seemed. Maria didn’t even know it was possible to upset the redhead. And who even got upset for getting told off by a superior? She had just reminded Natasha to follow orders.

Surely it couldn’t be her fault that Natasha had reacted like that. She didn’t do anything bad. Maria probably just caught her at a bad time.

But she had known Natasha for a long time, called her agent for years now. She had sent her on missions that most agents would call impossible, but the redhead always succeeded with a cocky grin and a sway of her hips.

As if everything Maria had trained so hard for just came easy to her. Where Maria’s body turned lean and angular from the brutal hours of training, Natasha just seemed to stay so soft. And yet she was stronger than Maria. When Maria didn’t see any solution, Natasha thought of five different ones. Good ones.

Natasha was just so goddamn good at everything.

She knew Natasha. And never had she ever caught her in a bad mood. Never did she let her private life trickle into her work. Maria often wondered if the redhead was even human. Sometimes she felt the need to go dig into her file, but Fury had it sealed, and Maria’s clearance which should be the highest wasn’t high enough to override Fury’s.

Maria knew she was Russian though and insanely skilled. And there was no shortage of rumors surrounding the redhead.

Sometimes she was a defected KGB agent, sometimes she came from an even more covert spy organization. Sometimes she was a super soldier, not unlike their good Captain America. But sometimes someone claimed to have seen her training the night away with a haunted look in her eyes, muttering curses under her breath. She was a ballerina in another life, a good one.

The craziest rumor, she was a brainwashed child assassin, trained to take America down during the Cold War. But surely, Maria knew, Fury would have never let anyone like that into SHIELD.

Was it even possible to really brainwash someone? To really alter their minds, make them forget who they are, make them slaves to the greater good? That couldn’t be possible, not to Maria. She had learned to believe a lot of things during her time at SHIELD, but nothing could convince her of that kind of hocus pocus.

There was just no way in hell.

Maria’s dislike for Natasha had nothing to do with her being so freakishly good at everything though, it had nothing to do with the air of mystery floating around her like a safety blanket. No.

Natasha was insane.

She took risks that nobody ever even considered as an option. She fought with too many of those stupid backflips like she was auditioning for the freaking cirque du soleil , putting herself in complete danger just to show off. Maria couldn’t stand it.

It was unnecessary and immature. Natasha Romanoff was a menace to herself and therefore to every other agent caught up in her missions.

She left nothing but a mess and destruction everywhere she went. She never did any of her freaking paperwork. And Maria didn’t even want to get started about Budapest.

She was surprised the redhead was actually still alive. Maybe she really wasn’t that human?

Natasha knew Maria didn’t like her. The feeling was obviously very mutual. But it still didn’t explain why she had looked at her like they were five years old and Maria had just beheaded her favorite doll.

Maria just didn’t understand. And it frustrated her. And it made her unable to sleep. And that frustrated her even more.

Maria grumped as she turned her body over one more time. There would be hell to pay for anyone that decided to bother her in the morning.

She was tired, reading files all day was surprisingly exhausting. Her eyes hurt from flitting over the thousands of words and her mind was so overflowing with information that felt like it could pour out of her ears but it was important that she didn’t forget.

Robin Scherbatsky had to come alive again. Maria wasn’t too happy about it. She was happy to forget that time of her life, the undercover mission that had lasted too long. All for some stupid information. Sure, she had single handedly saved the world from imminent doom, and her promotion to Commander came mostly from the work she got done there, but it was absolute torture to hang out with those civilians. Answer questions about a life that didn’t belong to her.

She didn’t want to do that again.

And she _really_ didn’t want to do it with Romanoff.

But Fury didn’t give her a choice and Maria was too proud to keep arguing with him. She wasn’t a child anymore. She wasn’t a sulking teenager who’s DNA forced them to stay defiant.

She was a grown ass woman. And she would damn well make this work.

 

* * *

 

“Commander.” Phil nodded politely when she walked into the conference room where she was supposed to study with Natasha. Her head hurt already from the lack of sleep and the coffee she had this morning did nothing to improve her mood.

“Agent Coulson. Any troubles?”

“No troubles, Fury ordered me to come help you.” He smiled that tight lipped smile, his voice so soft and calm that it didn’t betray the worry that shimmered in his eyes.

“Where’s agent Romanoff?” Maria asked, trying to stay casual. She wasn’t worried about the redhead, but as much as she didn’t want her anywhere near her, it wasn’t like Natasha to show up late. And since Maria was already five minutes late, well… it wasn’t normal.

“She said she studies best alone.” Coulson said, “Don’t worry, she’s always well prepared.”

Maria wasn’t worried. She didn’t worry about her agents. If she did, she would do nothing but worry. But there was this odd churning in her stomach, a small flicker of guilt that flowed through her veins. Just for the slightest second.

“Alright, let’s do this then.” Maria sat down at the table across from Coulson, trying not to think about Natasha. Was this still about the day before? Maria didn’t really know Natasha on a personal level, but it seemed unlike the redhead to sulk her feelings away.

“I sent a rookie to fetch us coffee.” Coulson grinned, “So, do you want to read through the files again, or would you like me to ask questions?”

“I think I know Scherbatsky pretty well by now, let’s just do the questions.”

Phil opened the file in front of him, eyes skimming over the pages, “Okay, so your full name is…”

“Robin Charles Scherbatsky Junior.” Maria droned.

“Perfect, and you live in…”

“I used to live in New York, then I moved to Japan for work and now I’m coming back to New York.”

“Why?”

“Work and personal matters. Japan never really felt like a home.” Maria felt like rolling her eyes, she didn’t even need to use her brain to answer these questions.

“Where do you work?”

“I used to work for Metro News 1, now I have a job as Press Secretary for a government agency. I’m not really allowed to talk about it.”

Phil smiled his approval, “But you loved being on TV so much?”

“People change. I just want nice, stable hours now.”

“Because…” He goaded and his grin only widened at her reluctance. She kind of wanted to slap him around.

“Because…” Maria sighed, this part of her cover was the most painful thing she would ever had to admit, “I have a wife at home and I don’t like being away from her.”

Phil couldn’t hide his glee if he tried, “Tell me about that wife of yours then? Where did you meet her?”

Maria could only glare.

Reluctantly she mumbled, “Her name is Natalie.”

 


	4. Why am I doing this?

 

 

Maria hated this. She absolutely hated this.

She was driving her truck down the road with Coulson silently next to her. Natasha was driving somewhere behind her, probably being bothered by agent Barton.

She hadn’t spoken to Natasha, not since she left her sitting flabbergasted in the conference room. Maria had only seen her for meetings with Fury and a mandatory photoshoot to create fake memories together, and even then the redhead tried her best to avoid her.

Honestly, Natasha should just get over herself.

“We’re almost there. About two blocks away from here.” Coulson reminded her gently, as if she didn’t know.

This place didn’t even look remotely like New York City anymore. Every house looked like it had a fresh coat of paint just yesterday. The grass and flowers seemed painted too, or perhaps made out of plastic. Maria swore she could even see children’s bike on a frontlawn.

The suburbs looked surprisingly much like her version of hell.

“Alright, number 105, this is it.” Coulson announced as if it should make her happy.

She cut the engine with a heavy sigh and looked at her new temporary home.

“Fuck this Coulson.” She’d never let Fury hear her like this, but Coulson was too much of a professional to go tattle on her, “Fuck this so much.”

The house seemed nice enough, though it had nothing on her rundown SHIELD-issued apartment. It was big and… normal.

“It’ll be fine… Robin.”

“Ugh. Fuck me sideways.” Maria grumbled at the name, hopping out of her truck and letting the door fall shut behind her.

She stared at the frontyard, _her_ yard. The grass would be hell enough to keep this neat, she decided she wouldn’t even bother with the plants.

“Well, I think this is about the best SHIELD house I’ve ever seen.” Coulson whistled, “This place is fancy!”

Before Maria could groan again, Natasha’s car pulled up. Barton nearly fell out of the door, tripping over his own feet to get a glimpse of the house. As clumsy as the manchild was, as graceful Natasha exited the car.

Perching her sunglasses daintily on the top of her head, Natasha nodded pleased at the home, “I am starting to see the upside of this.”

Maria glared a little, “Let’s just unpack.”

Grabbing the first box out of her truck, Maria couldn’t help but have a bad feeling about all of this.

 

* * *

 

“Where do you want this one?” Coulson stopped in front of her carrying a cardboard box with _kitchen_ scribbled on its side.

“Kitchen.” Maria deadpanned from her spot on the floor, “Read the labels. None of this stuff is mine anyway.”

Phil huffed in exaggeration, pretending to have trouble carrying the box to its designated spot.

Maria looked around with a sigh, she was inside her new home, surrounded by boxes filled with things she had never seen before.

Neither she nor Natasha really owned a lot of stuff in their apartments. They made the choice to keep their living spaces as minimal as possible in case they had to move. Like now.

So SHIELD hooked them up, filling their new home with fake belongings and memorabilia of a life that never existed.

Clint and Phil were recruited to help them move. Coulson was their handler for this mission and Clint was… well… Clint. Both of them should know the layout of the house. Just in case.

“Hey Commander? Have you seen this kitchen?” Coulson called out, “This stuff is fancy as hell!”

“Yeah, SHIELD really splurged on this one.” They should for making her live with Natasha. Maria deserved all the bonuses in the world for that one, “Apparently, Robin and Natalie have a pretty neat paycheck.”

Maria could hear him rummaging around.

“Break it you buy it Coulson!”

She shouldn’t have said that. She should have known better by now. As soon as the words tumbled out of her mouth, Maria heard a loud crash.

“Phil!”

“It wasn’t me!” He rushed out of the kitchen with his hands up, “It wasn’t me! I think it came from…”

_“Goddammit Clint!”_

“… upstairs.”

_“It was an accident!”_

_“I should sure fucking hope so!”_

Maria rushed up the stairs, followed closely by Phil. For a second she considered pulling her gun, an angry Natasha was not something to be approached carelessly.

“Clint broke the bed!” Natasha was clearly fuming when Maria and Phil stumbled in.

“Did not!”

Natasha turned a glare on the man that made Maria want to take a step back.

“You broke the bed Barton. You stood on it and it collapsed.”

Clint swallowed pathetically, “I was trying to change the lightbulb.”

“I told you to use a stepstool!”

“I didn’t see one!”

Steam was practically coming out of Natasha’s ears and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that she wasn’t just mad about the bed. She was furious about the entire mission.

“I’ll get you a new bed, don’t worry. It will be here tomorrow.” Coulson tried to sooth with a weak smile.

“Fine, I guess I’ll sleep on the couch. I’ve had worse.”

“Why would you sleep there? There’s a second bed.” The words left Maria’s mouth before she had thought it through. Something that didn’t really happen often.

“That’s your bed.” Natasha said dismissively, ready to go focus on something else.

“But you’re married? You’re not going to share a room?” Clint butted in.

“Of course not, because we are not married!” Natasha glared at him.

“What if Robin’s friends want a tour of the house?” Phil complained, because apparently he too had a say in this, “They’ll know you’re not sleeping in the same bed. People aren’t _that_ unobservant.”

Natasha glared some more and Maria felt the rush of victory.

She had just beaten the Black Widow.

Wait…

Had she just given Natasha an all access pass to her bed? _Well shit_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed that my chapters are really short, but that's kinda because I don't want to add too many linebreaks in the chapters. So I'll be posting the next chapter right along with this one, because they kinda fit together :-)


	5. Okay fine, let's do this. But I still don't like you!

 

 

Maria hummed along to the radio, some new popsong that she didn’t bother to learn the lyrics of caught her attention. She wasn’t really sure if it was actually that new. She didn’t usually have the time to relax and listen to the radio.

Her hands rhythmically hit the steering wheel, making her swear softly under her breath whenever she caught sight of her golden wedding ring. It was part of her cover, she knew that. But she didn’t have to like it.

Her truck roared down the road. She had left Natasha with the guys to go pick up one last thing from her old home. She had stayed vague, kind of enjoying the suspicious look on Natasha’s face. The redhead had obviously decided not to ask her what she was doing, so Maria wasn’t going to tell her.

She wasn’t sure how she felt about all this. This living with Natasha arrangement. It wasn’t like she hated the Black Widow, it was just, she was the Black Widow. And that kind of  made her the pinnacle of unlikeable.

She didn’t like the fact that Natasha didn’t know these people, she didn’t know this cover as well as she did, but still the redhead seemed to one up her in everything. Like Maria was the inexperienced one.

And she didn’t care for the redhead’s attitude towards her either. Natasha was not nice. Ever. And fine, Maria hadn’t given her any reason to be nice to her, but still.

They looked good together though, Maria had to admit that. She stopped at a gas station earlier and when she took her new Robin Scherbatsky credit card out of her new wallet, her eyes fell on one of the photos they had taken last week. A house is never a home without family pictures, so they had headed out, faked their best smiles and gotten some pretty good photographs taken.

Natasha actually looked really sweet in the pictures, staring softly into Maria’s eyes. It was a little over the top, too rom-com style to be candid but anyone who would see the photos would swoon over their supposed happiness.

Nobody would ever guess that as soon as the camera was put away, their smiles disappeared and they left silently in two separate cars.

Damn Fury for pairing her Natasha Romanoff. The Black Widow was known for being cold as ice and as far as Maria’s concerned the woman was kind of a bitch.

She shook her head and focused on the road again, enjoying the familiar roaring of her old truck. SHIELD had offered them shiny new cars to go with their shiny new identities and while Natasha had happily accepted the sleek black sedan, Maria had refused. She didn’t want to give up her baby even just for a few months.

It didn’t matter that it was butt ugly and too big to be even remotely practical, Maria didn’t go anywhere without the truck. And of course, her darling new fake wife had an entire list of complaints about her car ready to go. Natasha told her she was sure that if she hit a speed bump too hard, the car would just collapse around itself. But Maria was deeply attached to it, something the redhead would never understand.

The only advantage of the truck, in Natasha’s humble opinion, was that she could hear it coming from a mile away. The sound was apparently indescribable, something between a plane and a dying elephant. How Maria hadn’t lost her hearing yet would forever be a mystery.

She pulled up on the driveway, but honestly had to check if she had the right house first. All these suburbs homes just looked so similar. The sputtering machine calmed down with one last whine and Maria fondly petted her steering wheel once before hopping out.

Maria knew Natasha would be dying to know what she went out for, so she wasn’t surprised to see the redhead casually leaning against the house already. Her crossed arms gave her an air of indifference, but Maria knew better.

She leaned into the car, trying to pull her very last position out, the one thing she could not live without. Problem was that that one thing was really freaking heavy.

“Come on then, get out of the car. Come here boo.” Maria sighed, “Come on pretty lady, this is going to be our new home for a while.”

She hazarded a look over her shoulder to Natasha, noting that the redhead looked suspiciously paler than before. Maria couldn’t imagine what the redhead was thinking.

Maria moved out of the way, her passenger finally getting out.

Natasha gasped, “What the hell?”

Maria twirled around, “Hey! How’s the unpacking going?”

“What is that?!”

Maria knew her face lit up like a Christmas tree, “This is Princess Peach! Princess say hi to your new roommate.”

“Roommate?” Natasha’s eyes bulged like they would pop out of her head, “Maria! What _is_ that?”

“My dog.” Maria’s surprise was written all over her face but Natasha was too busy stepping away from her cute giant ball of panting fluff that almost reached all the way to her shoulder , “Sorry, she’s a bit hyped. She doesn’t like driving.”

“That is not a dog!”

“Sure she is! Princess is part saint bernard, part leonberger.” Maria stated proudly, ruffling her soft brownish fur, “Isn’t she a cutie?”

“That thing is the size of a bear!”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Maria scoffed, “She’s the size of a small horse, not a bear.”

“Hey ladies, I think the heavy lifting is done, you need something else or… WOAH my god, what is that!” Clint jumped back, ducking a little behind Phil.

“My dog!”

Clint swallowed, “That… jesus fuck it’s bigger than a fucking cow!”

“And hairy!” Natasha butted in, “That thing is not coming inside of the house, right?”

“Of course she is!” Maria argued, “Look at her, Princess doesn’t handle the heat well.”

Clint breathed out, “I’m so glad I didn’t get this mission. No money in the world would make me want to live with Chewbacca over here.”

“Hi Princess!” Phil leaned forward, albeit not much, to scratch the giant dog on the head, “She’s so pretty!”

Maria’s smile widened, “Isn’t she?”

“No!” Natasha protested loudly, “She’s going to lose hair all over the place!”

“Well I can’t just leave her behind!” Maria was feeling herself getting angry, “She’s not a pair of shoes that I can leave in my apartment for a few months!”

“Ladies, you’re in the middle of the driveway.” Coulson reminded them gently, “You might not want to cause a scene on the first day.”

Natasha huffed dramatically, but Maria just glared, the look in her eyes told her loud and clear she would never win any argument regarding Princess.

“Fine! But you will vacuum every day! And she’s not sleeping in my bed!” The redhead walked away, obviously not caring to hear any more about the dog, “And who names their dog Princess?!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine Princess Peach as a ginormous ball of fluff, like super fluffy ball of fluff. Just all cuddly and soft :-D


	6. We're doing this... Reluctantly

 

The doorbell ringed, playing some sort of annoying tune that was probably very suited for the suburbs, but it made Maria throw her head back with a groan.

“Probably the guys with the pizza.” Natasha mumbled, not making any move to get up from the couch. Princess was lying comfortably at her feet. Guess Natasha didn’t hate dogs that much.

Maria rolled her eyes, her voice heavy with sarcasm, “Fine, I’ll get the door. Thanks for offering though.”

Her joints cracked a little from sitting down too long, but Maria dragged herself to the door.

“The door was unlocked.” Maria grumbled, when she opened the door.

“Robin? Oh my god! It is you!”

Maria could barely contain her gasp of horror when she stood face to face with Ted Mosby.

She painted her most genuine smile on her face, “Ted!”

He grasped her by the shoulders as if he had to physically check that she was really there. Maria allowed him to pull her into one of his bear hugs. She never dared to admit it to herself, but she did kind of miss this. Ted cared so much, they all did. It was nice to see the genuine side of life when usually she was surrounded by secrets.

“Robin, wow! I… You have changed so much…” He seemed to marvel at her, making her run her hand subconsciously through her now short hair. She did change a lot. She didn’t need to pretend to be straight anymore. Her hair got cut off, the dresses left her closet and she wouldn’t be caught dead wearing heels ever again.

Maria looked at the man in front of her. She hadn’t seen him in years but he still looked like the same old Ted, with his sweaters and his hair standing up like his morning routine consisted of sticking his fingers in the electrical outlet.

“God Ted, it’s so good to see you!” Maria smiled, “How have you been? How’s Tracy?”

“Uh good, she’s good.” Ted nodded with a distant smile. Maria knew they weren’t. She knew it had been at least five months since Ted had had any sort of contact with his wife. Their divorce was messy and unpleasant and left Ted depressed and alone.

“But tell me about you! How… What are you doing here? Lily told me you were moving back to America but I didn’t know you’d be my neighbor!” He grinned widely, “Look, that’s my home over there! Are you staying long? The others live like a block away! This is going to be so much fun! The whole gang back together!”

Maria chuckled at his enthusiasm, “I got a job offer. Japan never really was my thing. I didn’t know I’d live next to you though! I feel like I’m 25 all over again.”

“This is amazing Robin!” He gushed, his eyes trailing over her body, “It’s so good to see you again.”

“Yeah it is.” Maria agreed, taking a little step back. That look in his eyes, that was definitely something she didn’t miss. She wrung her hands together, uncomfortable under his blatant stare.

“Oh… Robin? Is that a wedding ring?” Ted pointed at her hand, “Robin! That’s a wedding ring! You got married?!”

Maria blushed like she knew she should, “Eh, yeah. Yeah I did.”

“That’s great! So who’s the lucky one?” Ted moved a little closer, “Is it that guy in the suit that I saw before?”

“Phil? Oh god no!” Maria didn’t even have to fake the shudder of disgust running through her body, “He’s just a friend. God no!”

“Thank god, he looks kinda old and stuffy.” Ted grinned, “So the other guy? Sleeveless shirt, muscles, kinda handsome.”

Maria shook her head, “Nope that’s Clint, he’s… not really my friend but I just can’t seem to get rid of him.”

“Well who is it then?!” Ted bounced on his feet like a schoolgirl about to receive the best rumor ever. He looked completely giddy.

“Uhm…” Maria was about to say it, she really was. She wasn’t ashamed. She had nothing to be ashamed of. Not that Natasha actually was her wife, but the gay thing, she wasn’t ashamed of that. It’s just that Ted really didn’t know.

“Hey babe, what’s happening?” Natasha came up behind her and Maria had to do a double take.

The stupid super spy had of course figured out who was at the door. She knew exactly what was happening. She had to know. Because when Maria had left her on the couch, Natasha was wearing jeans and a comfy sweatshirt. And now…

Technically it was still jeans, but a little more hotpants-y than before. The redhead had ditched her shoes, traipsing around barefoot and revealing her strong legs. Her t-shirt was so loose and see-through that maybe she shouldn’t even have bothered putting it on.

But the barefoot thing. Yeah. Maria really had a thing for the barefoot thing.

She physically had to shake her head to clear it from her thoughts, but going by Natasha’s wicked grin, the redhead had clearly caught her staring.

An arm wrapped around her waist, politely laying claim on something that didn’t really belong to her.

“Uh Ted, this is Natalie…” Maria muttered through her embarrassment, “Nat, this is Ted… from New York. He lives right across the street apparently.”

“Hi, it’s so nice to meet you.” Natasha stuck her free hand out with a smile, “Ro has told me so much about you! That’s so great that you have a friend here already baby!”

Ted stared at her hand for a good few seconds before grasping it in its own.

“Natalie is uh… my wife.” Maria stumbled over the words, “We’re married.”

“Oh wow… uhm… I had no idea…” Ted looked between the two with wide eyes, “I mean good for you Robin. When… when did this happen?”

“We met right after you moved to Japan, right babe?” Natasha looked at her with a grin, “We got married last year.”

“Uh, yeah.” Maria tried her best not to look so damn uncomfortable, but having a hot redheaded Russian hanging from her side wasn’t something she was really used to.

Maria was about to say something else, something to break the awkward tension in her hallway, when Barton kicked the door wide open with a scream of, “Pizzaaaaaaaa!”

“I’m right in front of you Clint, you have no reason to yell.” Natasha scolded, but a smile played on her lips, “Follow me boys, I’ll go find us some plates. It was good seeing you Ted.”

Natasha traipsed to the kitchen and it took actual physical effort not to turn around and stare at the bare legs walking away from her.

“Well… I…” Ted started, but he cut himself off with a chuckle, “I have no idea what to say. You married a woman.”

“I did.” Maria nodded, “Look Ted, it’s not something I was looking for.” Big fat lie. “It just happened. And… I’m happy.”

“Good. That’s good. I’m happy that… you’re happy.” Ted shook his head, “I’m sorry Robin, I don’t want to make this weird. I just didn’t expect this. I… I’ll be your biggest supporter tomorrow, I swear. But right now, I’m a little… I don’t know… shocked, I guess?”

“Yeah… I know… I should have said something, but it never seemed like the right time. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Ted put his hand on her shoulder, “Don’t be sorry. I’m… I’m going home now, I’m going to call Lily and tell her you’re back.”

“Yeah… you do that… I can’t wait to see her.” Maria hung her head a little. Even if Ted wasn’t really her friend, the rejection of her identity hurt her more than she’d like to.

“Robin…” Ted paused, “Natalie seems like a great girl.”

“She is.”

He turned to leave, but before she shut the door behind him, he turned back.

“Everyone will still love you Robin. I still love you. In a friend way, I mean.”

Maria cracked a smile, “Yeah yeah you weirdo, I love you too. In a friend way. Now get going, Lily will kill you if you don’t tell her I’m back.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you soon I guess.” He gave her a gummy smile, “It’s really good to have you back.”

“It’s good to be back.”

 

* * *

 

“I think they’re fucking.”

Maria nearly fell off the couch when Natasha appeared behind her.

“Jesus fuck woman! Wear a bell or something!” Her heart pounded between her ears from the fright.

Natasha just shrugged, folding herself up in the loveseat, reaching out to Princess who came up to greet her.

But Maria’s interest was tickled despite Natasha’s nonchalant air, “Okay, I’ll bite. Who’s fucking?”

“Clint and Phil.”

Maria chuckled, “Yeah right.”

“I’m serious, I dropped them both off at Phil’s apartment and they were being all hushed in the back of my car.” Natasha tried to stay casual but Maria spotted a flicker of excitement in her eyes, “I think they’re doing it.”

“They’re both straight.”

Natasha chuckled loudly now, a sound Maria hadn’t heard before, “Clint is most definitely _not_ straight. He’s gay. He’s very very gay.”

“Well Phil isn’t.” Maria muttered, a bit taken aback that she didn’t know about Clint.

Natasha smirked, “He’s always had a soft spot for Clint though, you can’t deny that.”

It was true, the archer always seemed to have a little more leeway with her usually so stoic agent, “Fury has a soft spot for you, does that mean you’re fucking too?”

Natasha tossed the closest knickknack she could find, a little wooden puzzle on the coffee table, hitting Maria right on the forehead.

“That was rude and uncalled for.” Natasha was scarily calm, “I tried to have a nice conversation and you just have to go and insult me. So I’m going to bed now. Good night Commander. I trust you’ll be quiet when you come up.”

Natasha left her feeling more than a little stupid, rubbing the sore spot on her head. And if the redhead stomped her feet a bit harder than necessary on her way up the stairs, well, Maria wasn’t going to blame her.

“That wasn’t my best move, huh Princess?”

Princess Peach lifted her giant head, gave her saddest eyes Maria had ever seen and then followed Natasha up the stairs.

“Oh great. Now my own fucking dog hates me too. Great. Just what I needed.” Maria grumbled, kicking her feet up on the coffee table, “Just great.”

Maria sat on that couch, muttering and cursing at herself and the entire world for almost half an hour until she decided that her evening was completely shot anyway. She might as well just go to bed too.

She was quiet on the stairs, heading Natasha’s warning.

Natasha turned over when she came into the room, there was no point for her to pretend to be asleep. Maria knew that the spy in her would wake up at the slightest sound.

Princess had stretched herself out on the ground next to Natasha. The traitor.

“Weren’t you the one upset about her shedding all over the place?”

“If it’s her shedding or your attitude, it’s not a hard choice now is it?” Natasha mumbled, pulling the covers tighter around her.

Maria grabbed her pajamas from one of the bags on the floor, making a mental note to put her stuff in the closets the next morning.

“Look Natasha…” Maria pulled her shirt off, “I didn’t mean to be rude. It was just a stupid joke.”

“Wasn’t fucking funny.”

Maria sighed, dropping her jeans on the chair in the corner and hopping into her shorts, “If I knew you were going to react like that, I wouldn’t have said it, okay?”

“No not okay.”

She pulled the sheets back and crawled into the bed next to her sulking fake wife, “Come on, what do you want me to say here?”

Natasha turned to face her, glaring at Maria, “How about sorry?”

“Huh?”

“You know, sorry. S O R R Y. _Sorry_. Because whether it was a joke or not, I don’t care.” Natasha seethed, “You just accused me of fucking our boss! You accused me of sleeping my way to the top. _You_. Of all people. You should know how that feels.”

Maria bit her lip, shame tinting her cheeks red. She did know how that felt. Everyone and their mothers accused her of sleeping with someone to get her position of Deputy Director. It didn’t matter if they knew she was gay or not, they still said it.

And it hurt like hell.

“Shit, Natasha I’m sorry.” She really was, “I wasn’t thinking. I’m really sorry.”

Natasha nodded, happy with her apology and turned back around to face the wall, “Thank you. You can dislike me all you want Commander, but I will not have you question my integrity as an agent or as a person.”

“I… I won’t. I won’t do that again.” Maria promised, feeling more like a scolded child than a superior officer.

“Good night Commander.”

“Good night agent Romanoff.”

 

 


	7. I'm too tired to argue

 

Maria felt like a zombie walking into the kitchen. Sharing a bed with someone after sleeping alone for so long was annoying as it was. But apparently, Natasha Romanoff did not need sleep to function, and the redhead had obviously decided that Maria would stay awake too.

Her agent had tossed and turned all night, pulling on the covers only to shove them away after a few minutes. And she sighed. Constantly. After every move, almost after every breath, Natasha heaved a long suffering sigh.

It was impossible to fall asleep next to that.

Even Princess looked tired and that dog could sleep through her own snores.

“Coffee.”

Natasha pointed to the machine. It wasn’t fair that Maria felt like she had just suffered through an apocalypse when Natasha sat at the table so poised with her stupid tablet, looking like she came right of the runway.

Stupid perfect red hair on that stupid perfect woman.

Maria knew without having looked in the mirror that her hair was sticking out in every direction like it always did in the morning.

“Good morning by the way.” Natasha smirked as if she knew she had kept her up all night.

“Morning.” Maria’s voice was hoarse and thick with sleep.

“We don’t have any creamer in the house. Actually, we don’t have any food at all. Grocery shopping later?”

Maria wanted to groan, she was barely awake and Natasha was already planning for a day that would last too long anyway, “After my shower, please.”

“Sure, no problem. I tried to take your beast for a run but she’s not really athletic is she?”

Poor Princess. Maria reached out with her foot to the dog to comfort her from what was no doubt a horrific trauma in her doggie brain.

“She can’t run. She’s too big for that, it’s not good for her hips.” Maria took a sip of her coffee, silently thanking the gods that Natasha could actually make decent coffee, “And don’t call her beast. You’ll hurt her feelings.”

“Oh boohoo.” Natasha rolled her eyes with that stupid little smirk, “Go on then, coffee and shower. I’m not eating take out for the rest of this mission.”

Maria huffed at being ordered around by her own agent, but wisely held her tongue and sat down at the kitchen table. She didn’t want to upset the redhead again. She would just dislike her in silence.

“So, we try and make contact today?” Natasha checked with her as if Maria’s brain was supposed to be up and running already.

“Huh?”

“Cynthia Warren, our _target_? Do we make contact today?” Natasha repeated before rolling her eyes again, “Never mind, just drink your coffee Commander.”

Maria would protest, but instead just took a long gulp to suppress snapping at Natasha.

“You’re damn lucky I’m not awake yet.” Maria couldn’t resist mumbling.

Natasha just grinned.

 

* * *

 

The shower in this place was magical, Maria had never before had so much space to wash her naked butt. It had all these fancy lights and whistles and bells that she’d probably never use but it all looked amazing.

The hot water washed away the last remnants of sleep and eased some of the Natasha-induced tension in her shoulders.

When she went upstairs to shower, she left Natasha on the couch watching the morning news with her feet buried in Princess’s fluff. So Maria had no qualms dashing from the bathroom to their shared bedroom clad in only a towel that clearly wasn’t designed for her longer body.

Her clothes still hadn’t found their way to the closet yet, but Maria didn’t really care. She pulled out the first clothes she could find and headed back downstairs.

Because stupid Natasha wanted to go do stupid groceries. And apparently she couldn’t do that alone.

“I swear to god she did!” Natasha’s voice greeted her as soon as she came down.

Maria recognized the gasping chuckle that followed Natasha’s no doubt ridiculous story. She would recognize it anywhere, “Lily?”

“Robin!” The smaller woman jumped of the couch and hurled herself into Maria’s arms, “Oh my god! When Ted called I didn’t believe him! But you’re back!”

“I’m back.” Maria smiled, “Wow Lil! You look so different! What happened to your hair?!”

Lily brushed her hand through her now caramel colored locks, “You’re one to talk.” She motioned to Maria’s short hair, “But if I knew you were into redheads I wouldn’t have changed it.”

Her exaggerated wink made Maria chuckle, “God Lily, I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Lilly smiled, “Now while you were in the shower, I met this lovely lady here.”

Maria fake a smile towards Natasha, “Yeah… I… Yeah…”

“Look at you, all blushing and cute!” Lily gushed, “Puppy love.”

Natasha frowned, “Puppy love? Babe, you really didn’t tell anyone?”

“Tell anyone what?” Lily looked between the two of them like she was about to find out something big, and Maria suppressed the urge to strangle Natasha for sounding so put out.

“Natalie is my wife, Lily. We’ve been together ever since I moved to Japan.” Maria grabbed Natasha’s hand to make her point, “I… I should have said something but it just… didn’t seem like something I could say over Skype and then, you know, a few years passed by and I kinda forgot I didn’t tell you.”

“Oh…” Lily nodded, “Yeah, I get that… Wait, you didn’t invite me for your wedding?!” Maria received a swift slap to the shoulder, “Robin what the hell?!”

“Ow! Lily stop!” Maria took a step away from the little woman, “We didn’t plan on getting married, it just happened. Split decision, spur of the moment thing. Nobody was invited.”

“Yeah.” Natasha rushed to help her, “She woke me up in the middle of the night to say that she wanted to marry, and two days later it was done.”

“ _She_ asked you? Robin? This Robin right here, she asked you to get married?” Lily repeated in disbelief.

Natasha smiled her most friendly smile, and Maria almost forgot that she was an undercover deadly super spy, “More like she _told_ me we were getting married. She has a thing for bossing me around.”

Maria scoffed at the truth, “I don’t have a thing for bossing you around, we just both know I’m much more sensible than you are.”

“And honestly, who could say no to all that sensibility.” Natasha jokingly rolled her eyes, selling their story to Lily with a wink.

“We were actually just going to head out for groceries, but maybe we can all get together later?” Maria offered. Lily was an easy in to the rest of the group, “Seriously, I can’t wait to see what you’ve all been up to.”

Lily nodded enthusiastically, “You know what? Dinner at my place tonight. I’ll invite everyone, it’s going to be great. You’ll get to meet all the kids and Barney’s new girlfriend. What do you think?”

“Sounds amazing Lily.” Natasha smiled, “I can’t wait to meet all of Robin’s friends.”

 

 


	8. Don't talk to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapters contains snippy remarks and stereotyping! And it's kind of my absolute favorite ever :-D

 

Suburban supermarkets turned out to be even more obnoxious than the ones Maria frequented in the city. There was just something about the white hospital-like lighting paired with that annoying supermarket music that rubbed her the wrong way.

Natasha was leaning on their cart, smirking that god awful smirk because Maria wanted to push to cart and she damn well knew it when she snatched it away. Redheaded demon.

“Stop dragging your feet, I’d like to get back to the house _today._ ” Maria grumbled trying to get Natasha moving along instead of stopping to inspect the label on every single product only to just put it back again.

“Alright, alright, don’t get your flannels in a twist Butchy McButch.”

Maria scoffed, her hands coming up subconsciously to smooth her flannel shirt over, “Oh I’m sorry, worried that my flannel won’t go with your lipstick?”

“At least I’m not wearing combat boots in the supermarket.”

“They’re practical.” Maria shot back.

“Yeah… In Iraq.”

Maria rolled her eyes at Natasha. There was no use reminding the redhead that she was still her superior, she knew it wouldn’t hold Natasha back in the slightest.

“Okay, food. What do you want?” Natasha switched the subject swiftly.

“I don’t care, I’ll eat anything.” Maria shrugged, “Just no hoity toity salads please. I need actual food.”

“What? And here I thought all lesbians lived on vegan earthburgers and cat jokes.”

“Well, look at Comedy-Barbie over here. Who would have thought you’d actually know the word joke.” Maria bit back, “Just get me some burgers woman.”

“Woman?” Natasha scoffed.

“What? Aren’t all straight girls into that caveman attitude?”

“If you think I’m going to play your desperate housewife, you’ve got another thing coming Hill.”

Maria smirked, looking the redhead up and down slowly, “So you won’t have my dinner ready when I get home after a hard day of work? How disappointing.”

Natasha rolled her eyes at her, “You’re a pig.”

“Just keep those pretty heels moving lady, Princess doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

The redhead huffed, but Maria caught a hint of a smile pulling at her painted lips.

“We need wine.”

“ _Need?_ ” Natasha repeated, “Having a little problem, do we?”

“Oh fuck off.” Maria muttered, putting an extra bottle in their cart just in case.

“I hadn’t pegged you for a wine drinker. You seem more scotch and import beers to me.”

“On my salary?” Maria scoffed, “I wish. I’d have a cigar and a scotch on the rocks after work every day if I could. In my fancy slippers.”

“You are so butch.” Natasha shook her head, “I can’t believe you.”

“Says the lady who’s buying three avocados. Could you be anymore white trash?” Maria smirked back, “Maybe you need some of those premade cocktails? Cosmopolitan perhaps? Reenact your Sex and the City fantasies?”

“Only if I get to call you mister Big.” Natasha’s wink was wickedly indecent and Maria couldn’t help the blush threatening to color her cheeks.

“Just keep moving okay?”

“What happened to _keep moving pretty lady?_ ” Natasha mocked.

Maria spluttered, choking on her breath to find her words, “I said pretty heels!”

“Same difference.”

“Natasha!” Maria didn’t whine, she didn’t. She just… dragged Natasha’s name out with a pitiful groan, “Stop that.”

“Okay okay, don’t panic. I was just joking with you.”

Her cheeks were hot and flushed with Natasha’s teasing, something Maria for some reason could not handle as well as she wanted to.

“Hey, I saw a coffeeshop next door, you want a frappuccino for the road?” Maria offered, desperate for some caffeine and a change of subject.

Natasha only raised an eyebrow, “A frappuccino? Who’s the straight white girl now?”

 

 


	9. Don't even touch me

 

“So how do you want to play this?” Natasha asked, or more like yelled from the bathroom where she was getting ready.

Maria was busy hoisting her too skinny pants up and trying desperately not to fall flat on her face doing so.

“Hill?”

“One second!” Maria gave up and sat down on the bed to protect herself and all surrounding furniture, “I don’t know, we just talk to the target?”

“Hmm.” Natasha sounded anything but convinced, “I was thinking, Lily called her the _new_ girlfriend, so she’s obviously not really accepted yet into the group dynamic. Since I’m new too, it might be easier for me to make contact with her.”

“Okay, so I’ll just distract the others? Keep them busy so you can talk more privately?”

“Good plan.” Natasha walked back into their bedroom, “Zip me up?”

“Sur…” Maria’s words died in her mouth when she looked up at Natasha. The redhead had her back to her, but even so Maria could see just how beautiful the emerald dress looked on her.

It was long enough to stay classy, but short enough that it didn’t scream boring, old housewife. Maria really couldn’t help letting her eyes roam over the back of Natasha’s legs, up to her magnificent ass. She didn’t have to like the redhead to appreciate the view.

Halfway up her back, the zipper split the fabric, revealing smooth pale skin all the way up to Natasha’s curls.

“Maria?” Natasha turned her head, “Are you… are you checking me out?”

“No! No… uh totally no… Why would I… I uh…” Maria scratched her head, “You’re just… very dressed up.”

“I’m meeting my wife’s friends for the first time. Civilians tend to dress up for that sort of thing.” Natasha deadpanned, “Think you can zip me up now, or would you like to stare some more?”

She blushed, “I’m sorry. I… yeah… turn around.”

Natasha smiled at her and turned her back on Maria again, and Maria tried her best not to let her fingertips stray on the sliver of skin she encountered.

“All set.”

“Thanks _darling_.” Natasha joked, “Heels or flats?”

“Uh whatever you’re comfortable with I guess.” Maria shrugged, why would she have a preference for Natasha’s shoes?

“Heels it is.”

When Natasha bent down to rummage through the closet, Maria turned her head the other way.

“You can look at me you know? I’m supposed to be your wife.”

“But you’re not.”

“But if you keep treating me like I killed your dog, people will know something is wrong.”

Maria glared at the back of Natasha’s head but she couldn’t say anything. Natasha was right. Again.

“Maria?”

“Yeah yeah.”

“Yeah what yeah?” Natasha frowned at her, “What the hell is your problem Hill? You’ve been sulking like a child ever since we got this mission! You don’t like me, big whoop. Get over yourself!”

“Leave me alone Romanoff.” Maria shot back, “I didn’t come here for pillow talks and coddling. Just do your fucking job for once.”

“Fuck you!”

“You wish!”

“There’s not enough money in the world to make me want you Hill.” Natasha spat, “Now get your fucking shoes on and get going.”

Maria stormed out of the room, already planning on reporting back to Fury just how insufferable the Widow was.

Before the bedroom door slammed shut, Maria heard Natasha call after her: “And maybe try to smile. If you even know how!”

 

* * *

 

“There they are! I’m so happy to see you two!” Lily smiled so wide Maria feared her face would break in half, “Come in! Everyone is so excited!”

Maria went through the motions of everyone fawning over Robin’s return and being bombarded with hugs and questions and more hugs.

She swore she saw Marshall wipe away a tear.

“Guys, this is Natalie, my wife.” Maria introduced her a little more confidently, placing her hand on the small of Natasha’s back.

“Hi, gosh I’m so glad to finally meet you guys! I’ve heard so much about you all.” Natasha played her part perfectly, with her pearly white smile and puppy eyes, “And who are these little beauties?”

She bent over to interact with all the kids running around, and Maria had to admit that she was a pretty damn good spy. There was no trace of the harsh Black Widow she had butted heads with just 30 minutes earlier.

“They’re ours, mine and Lily’s,” Marshall told Natasha, “That’s Marvin, Daisy and our youngest is Tara.”

“Oh she’s so cute,” Natasha fawned over the baby, tugging Maria over, “Ro look at her!”

“Robin doesn’t really like kids…” Ted said carefully as if he was revealing the biggest secret.

Natasha just smiled widely at Maria, “I think she’s come around a bit since we first met, right babe?”

Maria wanted to roll her eyes so badly, she hated kids, and Natasha knew. But she couldn’t publicly disagree with her “wife”, so she nodded and squeezed Natasha’s side in warning. They had never agreed on fawning over smelly, icky children.

Ted’s face fell just the slightest bit, but Maria pretended not to see it. He was no doubt remembering the countless times she rejected him because he liked kids so much.

“Hey Barney, Lily said you have a girlfriend now?” Maria changed the subject, “Where is this mystery lady?”

“She’ll be here in a bit, she had to work late today.” Barney looked exactly the same, squeezed into his impeccable grey suit, almost like she had just seen him yesterday, not years ago.

“I’m going to put Tara to bed, you guys should have a drink. We’ll eat when Cynthia gets here.” Lily said, arms full of wiggling baby, “Marshall, go get Robin and Natalie a drink.”

She bustled out the room and Marshall sprinted to the kitchen, falling over himself to please his wife. Not much had changed, Maria thought.

The group moved to the couch when Marshall came back with every kind of drink they had in their fridge. He knew Maria would go with a beer, but he seemed eager to offer Natasha whatever she wanted. He was a good man.

Natasha’s hand materialized on Maria’s knee, subtle but there. Natasha was really good at this game.

“So Robin, what brings you back?” Barney asked her.

“New job actually.” Maria had this part of her cover down, “And you know, Japan never really was my thing, it was a great job, I loved it but their work attitude just never really suited me. The hours are impossible, it’s like they don’t do anything but work.”

“Where are you working now?”

Maria bit her lip, “I work at a government organization now, I’m not allowed to say where exactly but it’s going to be a fun job. I’ll just do the press statements and stuff, nothing too exciting. I’m starting tomorrow actually.”

“Oh! You’re like a spy or something!”

“Definitely not!” Maria laughed like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world, “Can you imagine? I have the stamina of a baby and I’m about as subtle as a freight train. Nooooo, I just do press stuff.”

Barney laughed too, the notion of Robin Scherbatsky being anything other than she said was completely laughable to all of them. It made Maria feel kind of bad for lying.

She switched her attention back to Natasha. The redhead seemed so comfortable with her cover. She smiled politely at everyone, a little reserved but happy to try and make conversation. The perfect new girl in the group.

Maria nearly fell off the couch when Natasha opened her mouth to talk some legal mumbo jumbo with Marshall, the poor man looked beyond excited that someone finally understood him. Maria was secretly impressed with how well Natasha kept up her side, she always thought intelligence was a very attractive thing in a woman.

She still didn’t like Natasha though.

“Yeah, I’m a legal aid at Stark Industries.” Natasha provided, “Nothing too fancy, I’ll be requesting patents and threatening people who try to remake our technology. I’m definitely no judge.”

Marshall blushed a little at the subtle compliment, “Well, corporate law is very impressive too Natalie. So have you met Tony Stark yet?”

Natasha shook her head, “Oh no, I will mostly work with miss Potts, anyway. She’s the CEO.”

Maria saw the shift in Natasha’s posture when they heard the click of a door about to be opened.

“Hey everyone!” The shrillest voice Maria had ever heard floated from the hallway. It took effort not to cringe, “I’m sorry I’m late!”

“Cynthia!” Barney veered out of his seat, the look on his face told a story of complete adoration, “Babe, come here I want you to meet Robin and Natalie.”

Maria smiled at the woman, shaking her hand politely. She knew everything there was to know about Cynthia Warren, where she grew up, that she was bullied all through high school, everything.

“It’s so nice to finally put a face to the name.” Cynthia screeched, “I’ve heard a lot about you Robin.”

“All good things, I hope.” Maria chuckled, “This is my wife, Natalie.”

Natasha smiled her most charming smile, “Hi! I’m so glad to meet you. Lily told me earlier that you’re kinda new to the group too.”

“Yeah, I mean, not _that_ new, but yeah. It’s kinda overwhelming the first time isn’t it?” Cynthia sat down next to Natasha, and Maria wanted to roll her eyes at how easily the redhead had reeled her in.

“Oh definitely, everyone is really lovely, but it’s never easy being the new kid.”

“I feel you, the first time I met all of them, I was so nervous I knocked over my drink. All over the baby.”

Natasha gasped appropriately, “Oh no, that’s bad.”

“Everyone had a good laugh, but I was mortified.” Cynthia said, “So, no matter what, you’ll never make as bad a first impression as I did.”

“Maybe that’s why Lily put Tara to bed already.” Natasha joked, pulling a chuckle from everyone, “So what do you do for a living?”

“I’m a scientist at the university. Applied bio chemistry.”

“Really? That sounds so… actually that sounds like Chinese to me.”

Cynthia grinned, “It’s just messing around with human biology. Research into diseases, and trying to find cures for them.”

“Like cancer and stuff?”

“Yeah, last year we developed a new flu vaccine.” Cynthia nodded, “Not as impressive as curing cancer, but it was quite an achievement.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Maria butted in, “That’s really impressive.”

“Yeah!” Natasha agreed.

Cynthia smiled bashfully, and Maria felt an odd sense of pride that her agent had their target wrapped around her finger in just a few minutes.

“Cynthia! You’re here!” Lily had just walked back in, “Okay everyone, I guess we can eat now.”

Maria didn’t know how it happened, but sometime in the past few years Lily had learned to _cook_.

When she plopped back down on her friends’ couch, she felt like she was going to burst. Natasha sat next to her, curling her small body a little towards Maria. The redhead really was a master of body language.

Maria stared at her for a minute, Natasha looked so calm and at ease. So vastly different from her usual glares and cocky smirks. Green eyes caught her searching blue ones, and Natasha raised an eyebrow, questioning silently.

“Nothing.” Maria whispered, “Just wanted to know if you’re okay? Having fun?”

“Hmm, I’m fine babe.”

“The kids are all asleep.” Marshall grinned triumphantly, “Finally.”

Lily shared his happy grin, “Great! Soooooooo… Robin, Natalie, care to tell us… well, everything?”

Her excitement was echoed by the rest of the group as they all huddled around them.

“Tell you what?” Maria played dumb.

“You moved to Japan, became gay, got _married_.” Barney supplied, “We want to know what the hell happened!”

“I didn’t _become_ gay. It just... turned out that way.” Maria shrugged, “I guess I just never realized why I never really clicked with men, until I met Natalie.”

Natasha’s smile was sickly sweet, but Maria returned it for the sake of their cover.

“What about you Natalie?”

Natasha shrugged, “I always knew I was bi, and you know, then I saw Robin in Tokyo and I just… we became good friends and then I kinda fell in love with her.”

“And I kinda freaked out about it.” Maria added, “But things turned out good eventually.”

“And now you’re married. I didn’t even know you were allowed to get married in Japan?” Marshall asked with a little frown.

“We’re not.” Natasha said, “But we were at her dad’s in Canada last year for the holidays and we got married there.”

“But Robin, you hate weddings?” Ted questioned, pouting like a kicked puppy.

“I thought so too… but we were there and my dad asked why we weren’t married and I just couldn’t think of a single reason why not.”

“Aw babe.” Natasha gushed, kissing her cheek with a resounding smack, “Did she ever tell you how she asked me?”

Lily’s eyes widened, eager to hear their story, “You said she didn’t really ask?”

“We were asleep, well, _I_ was asleep in her old bedroom. And suddenly she starts shaking me and slapping my shoulder, I thought something happened!” Natasha told the cover like it actually happened, even Maria was listening in awe, “And then she tells me, why aren’t we married? So I’m like, I’m asleep, leave me alone. And she said, what did you say again honey?”

Natasha pointed her doe eyes at Maria, who groaned unhappily.

“I said, the day after tomorrow is a Monday, we can go to city hall and get it sorted then.”

“Yup.” Natasha nodded as everyone laughed at Robin’s crazy antics, “Very romantic, I swooned.”

Maria rolled her eyes with a smile, “Did not. You turned over and fell asleep again. You didn’t even remember our conversation, I had to ask again in the morning.”

“In my defense, you never really asked in the first place. You just told me we were marrying.”

“It’s not like you didn’t want to marry.” Maria defended playfully.

“True,” Natasha leaned in into her side, “I love being married to you. You’re a little crazy, but I like that.”

Maria didn’t know what to do with the sudden physical contact. They never talked boundaries or intimacy, a big mistake on their part.

Natasha’s head was resting against her shoulder, so Maria took it as consent to wrap her arm around the redhead. Reluctantly if she might add.

Lily gushed the rest of their evening about how happy she was, how happy they seemed, it was all a bit too sweet for Maria. She was almost relieved to leave the house so she could finally put some distance between her and Natasha.

“That went well.” Natasha noted, “Cynthia seems to be comfortable around me.”

“Yeah?”

“Hmm, told me all about her parents, that’s personal information.” Natasha muttered, “Nothing we didn’t know yet, but it’s a good sign.”

“Let’s hope so. You’ll brief Coulson first thing tomorrow.”

“Sir, yes sir.”

 

 


	10. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pathetic bickering continues :-D

 

5AM was her favorite time of day, when the birds were only just starting to chirp. The whole world seemed so quiet and peaceful, so different from what Maria usually saw.

Princess was still snoring loudly somewhere next to Natasha. Maybe that’s why the redhead wouldn’t sleep. Maria could feel her greens eyes glued to her back when she got out of bed, but she didn’t acknowledge it.

Natasha didn’t bother hiding that she was awake, but she made no move to get up and start her day. Maria didn’t say anything to her, if either of them said something that wasn’t mission related, chances were it wasn’t very civil conversation. Maria was tired of it all already, two days into this cover and she was exhausted.

She felt lonely even with Natasha constantly glued to her side, the redhead just wasn’t good company. But Maria figured she probably wasn’t either.

She headed downstairs to the kitchen in just her pajamas, starting the coffeemaker was always her first priority. She considered making breakfast, but that would mean cooking for Natasha too, and Maria wasn’t too proud to admit that she was just too petty to make Natasha breakfast.

Cornflakes would have to do.

She had to search a little for the box, Natasha had arranged the kitchen so differently from what Maria was used to. Everyone knew cornflakes should be stored in the cabinet next to the fridge, _obviously_ , not on the other side of the freaking kitchen.

So now she had to cross the entire kitchen again to go search for the milk for her cocopuffs. She scanned through the fridge, pushing aside the stupid avocados and everything, but the only thing she could find was full fat milk. Not her very necessary soy milk.

Maria looked through the other cabinets, maybe she had misplaced it. It wasn’t easy to unload groceries with Natasha after all, she was stressed and cranky, maybe she had just put it somewhere it didn’t belong. But she couldn’t find her carton. At all.

Frustration filled her stomach, because even if she loved the quiet of 5AM, Maria Hill was _not_ a morning person.

“Natasha!” Maria bounded back up the stairs, “Natasha! I can’t find my milk!”

Natasha groaned, “Are you kidding me? It’s five in the morning Hill! Check the fucking fridge.”

“I did! All I can find is your milk.”

“Oh you have to have your own personal milk now?” Natasha huffed, “Afraid of catching cooties?”

“I got soy milk for me, I know I did. I wouldn’t forget to buy that.” Maria knew, she _knew_ she put the soy milk in the cart, because it was a new supermarket and she wasn’t sure they had her favorite and she had to search for it but they did have it and she was happy so she knew she had put it in their cart.

“Just take the fucking regular milk.”

“I can’t! I’m lactose intolerant!” Maria groaned, “I need my soy milk. Why did you think I bought everything dairy free?”

“Shit…” Natasha murmured, finally lifting her head of the pillow, “Why didn’t you say so?”

Maria had a bad feeling seeing Natasha’s face, “What did you do?”

“I swear I didn’t know.” She said softly, “I…”

“What did you do Natasha?”

“I thought you were just being difficult or like… a health nut with your dairy free stuff…” Natasha bit her lip, looking the epitome of guilt, “I switched it all for regular stuff behind your back.”

Maria huffed in defeat, “Are you kidding me?”

“No… I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I’ll go back tonight and get your soy things, I promise.”

“You switched everything?” Maria had to be sure, “The butter?”

“Yeah.”

“My coffee creamer?”

“Uhu.”

“Not my yoghurts, right? You left those alone, right?”

Natasha grimaced, “Changed them with full fat Greek yoghurt.”

“Not even with fruity bits?” Maria’s world felt like it collapsed.

“No fruity bits.” Natasha shook her head, “I’ll go buy it tonight, just make me a list. I didn’t know you were allergic, I wouldn’t have done that if I knew. I just thought it would annoy you. But you ate pizza the other night!”

“I have medication that helps, but it’s really freaking expensive so I can’t take it for every meal.” Maria pouted, “I got cocopuffs Natasha! Cocopuffs and no milk.”

“I’m sorry okay?” Natasha repeated, “Why are you even up anyway? We don’t need to be at HQ until nine.”

“I like being up early.”

“You look like a zombie. Just get back in the bed.” Natasha pulled the covers back, and Maria had to admit it was pretty damn tempting to just go back to sleep and hide from the mean, soy milk-less world.

“Come on then Commander,” Natasha patted the bed like she was calling a dog, “Who’s a good Commander? Who’s a good little Commander?”

“I hate you.” Maria grumbled, but she was tired and cranky and the bed was really soft even if she had to share it with the redhead of her nightmares.

She crawled back in the bed, letting Natasha pull the covers up for her, almost tucking her in. Natasha patted her head for the briefest of moments.

“That’s a good Commander.”

 

* * *

 

“So we’re good?” Coulson asked, already starting to put away his files.

“Yeah just arrange that tap for Warren’s phone, and a surveillance team at the university.” Maria ordered, “Just in case.”

“I’m on it.”

“Thank you agent Coulson.” Maria nodded for him to leave her office, “Agent Romanoff, you’re dismissed.”

“Dismissed?” Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“Yes dismissed.” Maria sighed, “Would you like to borrow a dictionary, or do you think you can figure out the meaning on your own?”

Natasha’s face hardened, and after only two and a half days undercover, Maria knew that glare like the back of her hand. It almost didn’t scare her as much anymore.

“Romanoff, if you please, I have work to do.” Maria motioned to the door again, “I’m sure you can find something to keep you busy too.”

“Your mood swings will be the death of you Hill.”

“That’s not how the expression goes Romanoff.”

“It is in my case.”

 


	11. I can be nice... sometimes

 

Maria drove home alone, their covers had them working for different employers, so it wasn’t possible to carpool. She was not so secretly very happy about that though, and she knew Natasha was too.

That short hour alone in her truck with only the loud engine roaring in her ears, it was something Maria needed. Natasha drove her up the wall. She could barely sleep next to the redhead, she couldn’t say anything without pissing her off, it was almost impossible to even breathe.

One of them would snap, no matter what the conversation, and okay, Maria knew she could work on her own attitude towards the redhead. She knew. But it wasn’t easy. Natasha was… she just didn’t trust the redhead.

People at SHIELD talked, even if there weren’t any files on Natasha, people still talked. And Maria didn’t like a single rumor she heard. She obviously wasn’t the only one who wasn’t too fond of their resident little spider.

Fury trusted her, that should be enough for the Deputy Director. She should be his right hand, his eyes and ears. But she just couldn’t. There was something about Natasha that screamed at Maria, it made all her alarmbells go off. Something just didn’t fit right with her.

She’d gotten a text right before she left the Triskelion from Natasha. A picture of a carton of soy milk with a little smiley face. Maria never really cared for emojis, but she understood the apology behind Natasha’s text. The redhead hadn’t meant anything evil with her little stunt, Maria probably would have done the same thing to Natasha if she had left the cart out of her sight.

She was reluctant to pull up the driveway, but she knew Natasha had already heard her truck. There was nowhere to hide. The engine cut, bringing a silence that Maria tried to avoid. It wasn’t that late yet, there were other cars out and about, probably a plane or two flying over. She hated those noises in the background, too silent to really know what it was or where it was, but too loud to ignore. It made her uncomfortable.

Maria didn’t know how long she sat in her truck like that, trying not to think about things that she really didn’t want to think about. She thought it was a little ironic though, how when she tried to avoid something, it always turned up on the forefront of her mind. Like Natasha. Never before had she disliked the redhead so much, and now she couldn’t stop thinking about her, she couldn’t avoid her even if she tried.

The steering wheel was starting to feel clammy under her hands. Maria hadn’t even noticed how sweaty she was, it was a thing that happened when she thought too much about the things she didn’t want to be thinking about. She wanted to open the door and get out, she really did, but suddenly the world outside of her truck seemed too much to handle. She wanted desperately to turn the keys in the ignition, so that the roaring engine could drown out the sounds in her head.

A soft rap against the window had her reaching for her gun until she noticed the red hair and piercing green eyes on the other side.

Natasha frowned at her from behind the window and before Maria could do anything, she opened the door, letting the outside in.

“You look like shit. What happened?”

Maria shook her head to clear the last of her thoughts, “Nothing… just caught up in my thoughts.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow in doubt, “Well don’t strain yourself.”

Maria tried not to notice how her voice didn’t hold its usual bite. She hated how Natasha saw through her.

“Come on, get out of your truck. You’ve been sitting here for almost thirty minutes. It’s getting weird.” Natasha held out her hand, and Maria took it without thinking twice.

“You’re sweating.” Natasha noted, shifting her hand subtly to lay on Maria’s wrist, “Your heart is racing. Are you getting sick?”

“No… not sick.” Maria was mumbling, embarrassed and feeling a bit like a child caught doing something they really shouldn’t be doing.

Natasha had her out of the car before she even realized she was moving, and when the door slammed closed, the redhead pushed her gently against it.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, getting into Maria’s space ever so slowly, “But Ted is watching us from his window.”

Maria nodded her understanding, faking a smile, “I’m sorry too.” She flipped them over so it was Natasha’s back against the car, “I don’t like being cornered like that.” She explained in a hushed whisper.

Natasha wrapped her arms around her neck, her fingertips playing with the short hairs she encountered. It was odd but it felt almost like Natasha was comforting her instead just playing her part.

She let her eyes slip close, melting into Natasha’s… _Natalie’s_ soft touch.

“I always knew you were a top.” Natasha joked.

“Do you ever just shut up?” Maria wondered out loud.

“Maybe you should make me… _Robin._ ”

The way Natasha’s eyes flitted down to her lips left no room for questioning as to what she wanted, what she expected from Maria. It was part of their cover, none of their touches were real, she knew that, but this… a kiss was something sacred to Maria. Something she had shared with only a few women and that one awful boy when she was twelve. But Natasha was right again.

From her new position, Maria could clearly see Ted peeping through his curtains like one of those annoying old ladies.

Natasha stared at her expectantly, like she hadn’t thought Maria would hesitate. But she did. She didn’t want to kiss Natasha, not for their cover, not ever.

She knew she had to do something though, with Ted staring and Natasha starting to tug on her neck to pull her into an intimate fake embrace.

Maria bent through her knees, wrapping her long arms around Natasha’s thighs.

“What are you doing?!”

She hoisted the small woman up and over her shoulder like a bag of flour. It didn’t feel like she weighed much more.

Natasha squealed like a teenager, slapping every bit of Maria’s back that she could touch, “Put me down! You’re going to drop me! _Robin_!”

Maria almost wanted to drop her because no matter what she did, Natasha adapted to it like it was planned and rehearsed. She _giggled_ for christ’s sake.

She jogged to their door with Natasha wriggling in her arms like a giddy child. But as soon as the door closed behind them, Natasha flipped her legs over her body in what was probably the most impressive backwards tumble flippie thing Maria had ever seen, and landed on her feet.

And not a single red hair was out of place.

Maria considered asking her if she was made from plastic or silicone or something else decidedly non-human, but Natasha’s stoic face told her not to.

“Are you always going to be back this late?”

“There was an emergency.” Maria wasn’t really allowed to say what it was, her clearance as Deputy Director was obviously way higher than Natasha’s.

“Well…” Natasha hesitated, “I made dinner, it’s in the fridge.”

“You made dinner?” Maria didn’t really trust her ears, “For me?”

“I couldn’t make dinner just for me!” Natasha seemed so irritated by her, Maria wondered for the briefest second if the spy was trying to poison her, “That would just be stupid.”

“Uh… thanks.”

“I wouldn’t have done it if I knew you wouldn’t show up. I waited like an hour for you.” the woman added, decidedly not looking at Maria, “So you’ll have to fix your own dinner next time.”

“I…” Maria didn’t know what to say. She had never seen any real emotion other than anger on the redhead before, “I’m sorry?”

“It’s fine.”

It obviously wasn’t.

“A team got into trouble. I was overseeing their extraction.” Maria didn’t know why she felt the need to explain herself like that, “I’ll be back in time for dinner on Monday.”

“I don’t care when you get back.”

Natasha tried to escape to the living room, but Maria blocked her.

“I didn’t know you made dinner. I… I didn’t think about it. I’ll be back on time for dinner and when I’m not... I’ll text you or something.” She offered.

“You do whatever you want Hill, we’re not married.” Natasha was sulking like a child and it frustrated Maria so much. But she could be the bigger man for once. She could suck it up and make things better.

Pissing off the Black Widow probably wouldn’t do her life expectancy any good.

“You know what? I’ll be home early on Monday, I’ll cook for you.” It was her final offer, “I’ll cook whatever you want. Anything.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

Natasha thought about it, “I like broccoli.”

“I’ll make you broccoli.” Maria promised. Broccoli was easy enough. She could do broccoli.

“You’ll have to go to the supermarket. We didn’t buy any broccoli.” Natasha had that familiar evil glint in her eyes, like she knew exactly how much Maria would hate it.

But Maria wouldn’t take the bait, not this time. She would be the bigger man.

“I’ll go buy it then.”

Natasha frowned, almost like she was disappointed that Maria didn’t attack her, “For me?”

Maria shrugged, “For… for my conscience, my mental and physical health and the cover.”

“So you’re being completely selfish then?”

“As usual.”

Natasha rolled her eyes and pushed passed her to go sit in the living room, but Maria was sure she saw a hint of a smile on her painted lips.

“Dinner is in the fridge Commander.”

“Thanks dear!” Maria smirked a little at her own joke, “Though next time, have my scotch and slippers ready!”

She wasn’t fast enough to duck Natasha’s shoe.

 

 


	12. You're insane!

 

The yard was only illuminated by the big porch light when Maria found herself outside with Princess Peach late in the evening. Her love had been a little hyped, their regular walking schedule was severely interrupted by the move to suburbia.

She threw the toy Princess had just fetched, watching with a fond smile as the panting ball of hair chased after it like it was her sole purpose on this earth. When Princess caught it, more like picked it up, the dog trotted back, tail high and wagging like crazy.

“I love you little Princess.” Maria mumbled with a smile, throwing the toy again. Princess’s 200 pounds of fluff happily took off again, never tiring of the repetitive motion.

“You need a sweater?” Natasha asked from the open door, “It’s a little chilly.”

Maria pulled her cigarette from between her lips to answer, “Nah, I’m fine.”

She didn’t look up at the redhead, completely missing the look of outrage on her face.

“Are you smoking?”

“Huh? Yeah.” Maria took another drag, “You want one?”

Natasha was fully outside in the blink of an eye, pulling the cigarette out of Maria’s mouth and stomping it out on the ground.

“Hey!”

“Don’t you hey me!” Natasha seemed furious, “If you want to kill yourself there are faster ways, you know.”

“I’m not killing myself!” Maria huffed, “It’s just one cigarette! Jesus Natasha, it’s my life!”

“One cigarette out of an entire pack!”

“I smoke when I’m stressed, sue me!” Maria was grumpy, “For fucks sake! I’ve been walking around with the same pack for two months!”

“Well I’m not having you smoke in front of me!” Natasha countered, “It’s disgusting.”

“I went outside!”

“With Princess! She can’t even defend herself!”

At the mention of her name, Princess trotted over to Natasha, putting her toy at the redhead’s feet.

“Not now Princess.” Natasha muttered, before focusing back on Maria, “There are more effective ways to deal with your stress.”

“Like what? A stress ball? Those don’t work and you know it.” Maria was getting tired of this, “I’m a big girl Natasha, I don’t need you butting into my life like this. It’s my decision.”

“I was going to say yoga.”

Maria couldn’t hold back a snort of laughter, “Yeah right, I’m not going to do that.”

Natasha glared, holding out her hand, “Give me your cigarettes.”

“No.”

“Give them or I’ll take them from you. And you know I can.”

Maria considered her options, but she had to relent and give up her smokes.

“You’ll get them back once you’ve seriously tried something else.” Natasha promised, as if Maria didn’t feel ridiculous enough already.

“What are you? My mum?”

“No.” Natasha smirked, “I’m your wife.”

“Pffft you wish.” Maria scoffed.

“Absolutely not.” Natasha turned on her heel, “You’re going to shower before you get into bed with me, or you’re sleeping on the couch. I’m not having the bed stink like smoke.”

“Fine…” Maria huffed, “But only because I needed to shower anyways!”

“Whatever!” Natasha called out, “Come on Princess, I’m not leaving you with Stinky over there.”

Princess sprinted inside after Natasha without so much as a second look at Maria.

“Stupid Russian.”

 

* * *

 

“Are you clean?” Natasha asked from the bed.

Maria was in her boxers and an old t-shirt, rubbing a towel through her hair, “Yeah I’m clean.”

“Come here, let me check.” Natasha beckoned her over. Maria didn’t know how much longer she could deal with this particular brand of crazy, but she did what she was asked, bending over so Natasha could smell her hair again.

“Please don’t make me shower again.” She almost begged, “I’m tired, and if I get any more water on me I might just dissolve.”

“I can still smell it.” Natasha scrunched up her nose, and for a second Maria really feared you would have to take a fourth shower, “But I guess this is as good as it will get.”

Maria thankfully jumped over Natasha to her own side of the bed, faceplanting into the soft pillows, “Thank god! I’m never smoking again when you’re with me. You’re mean.”

“And you’re stupid. Why would you start smoking? Everyone knows it’ll kill you.”

“I was sixteen, trying to impress a girl. She was a cheerleader, I was a nerd.” Maria shrugged, “I thought it would make me look cool. Bad habit ever since. Now let me sleep.”

“A cheerleader?” Natasha snorted.

“Don’t make fun!” Maria couldn’t suppress her own smile at the memory, “I think 90 percent of my crush was on the skirt and not on the girl.”

“Pervert. So, did she think you were cool?”

“Nah, I don’t think she ever knew I existed.” Maria chuckled, remembering fondly how her sixteen year-old self thought that girl was the love of her life, “I kinda just stared at her from the other side of the school hoping she would notice me.”

Natasha laughed, “Was she even gay?”

“Probably not. She was pretty though.”

“What was her name? I want to google her.” Natasha’s eyes almost sparkled with the fun she was having.

“Honestly?” Maria bit her lip, “I have no fucking clue. I ran every time she was near me.”

Natasha’s questions and laughter went on well through the night. Maria didn’t find herself minding so much being kept up this time.

 

 


	13. What are you even doing to me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp! That took a long time to update :-/ Sorry guys.. I had it finished and then I just kinda forgot about it O:-) Hope you'll like it!

 

“Maria? Maria, wake up!” Natasha didn’t jostle her, thank god. That wouldn’t have ended well for anyone. She just yelled at her from the foot of the bed, “Maria! Come on!”

“Whaaaaat?” Maria moaned sadly, not even bothering to open her eyes. It was too early and she was too sleepy. Natasha obviously never slept.

“I’m going for a run. You should come with me.”

Maria couldn’t believe her. Did she actually wake her up for running?

“Mariaaaaa! Don’t fall asleep!” Natasha obviously wasn’t happy with her not answering, “Come on, get up.”

“Noooooooooooo.”

“It’s good for your stress Maria.”

Maria lifted her head now, “So that’s what this is about? You’re taking revenge on me for smoking! Seriously? Let me sleep!”

“It’s not revenge. I just don’t want you to smoke.” Natasha said, “Princess can come too, she’ll have fun.”

Maria was sure she heard the dog whimper at the prospect of having to wake up too.

“I hate you.”

Natasha’s only reaction was a smirk and a raised eyebrow. Maria hated that smirk so much.

“Come on.”

There was nothing she could do, Natasha wouldn’t just let her go back to bed. Maria groaned in defeat.

“What time is it even?”

“Seven.” Natasha was flat out smiling now, “You were up at five yesterday.”

“But today is Saturday.” Maria whined, “I sleep on Saturdays.”

“You did sleep.” Natasha shrugged cockily, “And now you’re awake. So we can go for a run.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Maria asked, but she hoisted her tired body out of the bed anyway. It was either getting out herself or risk being dragged out by Natasha.

“Get dressed, I have coffee waiting for you.” Natasha dashed out of their shared bedroom with way too much energy.

“I hate you.” Maria called after her, searching for some running shorts. She said it before, but it was worth repeating. It was Saturday after all. Her day off.

She trudged downstairs, followed by Princess. Her doggie dog was unhappy but curious why Maria would be up and awake at this hour.

“I know sweet girl, it’s not fair.” Maria said loud enough for Natasha to hear, but the redhead just chuckled.

Maria glared at her, “Where’s my coffee?”

“On the counter _dear_.” Natasha looked like she was having way too much fun with this.

Maria grabbed the white mug from the counter, holding onto it for dear life just in case Natasha decided she had to interfere with her caffeine habit too.

She didn’t like the white mugs SHIELD had given them, they were so impersonal and perfect. Like they came straight out of a catalogue, which Maria assumed they did. Probably their entire house came out of a catalogue.

Maria missed her own collection of mismatched mugs and cups, her loony tunes and ice hockey players. Her Canadian one. The one with her name on it and a little heart from when she was just a baby agent and… Yeah, maybe she didn’t like that one so much. But the other ones she loved a lot.

And she missed them.

And she missed Saturday morning sleep-ins.

“You look like you’re falling asleep with your eyes open.” Natasha said, and maybe she was, because for a moment Maria forgot the redhead was even in the room.

She took a long gulp from the scalding hot coffee, hoping it would wake her up and maybe even put her in a good mood. A little false hope never hurt anyone, right?

“Why are we doing this again?”

“Because exercise helps when you feel stressed.” Natasha explained, “I’m helping you here.”

Maria groaned, “I swear I’ll never smoke again. Ever. You’re torturing it out of me Natasha.”

“This is not torture, and you know it.” Natasha’s smirk lost its fun, her eyes stopped sparkling, “But I could, if you wanted to. I can get you to cry every time you see a cigarette in about 18 hours.”

“As tempting as that sounds, I’ll stick with the running.” Maria deadpanned, a little taken aback by the seriousness of Natasha’s offer.

“Too bad.” Natasha teased, but it sounded off, Maria couldn’t hear the smile in her voice like she usually could, “I was thinking we could run to a diner I saw last time, have breakfast and then run back.”

“How far is it? I haven’t seen a diner anywhere?”

“About 10 miles?” Natasha shrugged, “It looked good. I’m in the mood for pancakes, you know? Sometimes I just really want pancakes, and nothing else will do. I only get pancake cravings though, never waffles, or donuts or other…”

“10 miles? Are you crazy?!” Maria burst, “I just woke up, on a Saturday, way too early and you want to run 10 miles?!”

Natasha looked completely unfazed, “You’re the Deputy Director of SHIELD, you can handle 10 miles. So drink your coffee, and let’s get going. It’s time to earn those pancakes.”

“But Princess can’t run 10 miles!” Maria tried one last attempt to get out.

“We’ll go without her then, I’ll take her for a walk later.” Natasha smiled, rubbing the dog’s head affectionately.

Maria grumbled, catching Princess’s eye, “You’re a lucky bastard.”

 

* * *

 

“Come on then, keep up!” Her teasing was met with grumbling and cursing.

“Fuck you! We were going for a run, not a 10 mile sprint!”

“I’m not sprinting!” Maria defended, and she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face if she tried. Natasha just looked so miffed, “This is my regular running.”

“Your legs are twice as long as mine!” Natasha grumbled, “I have to sprint to keep up, just slow down.”

“If I slow down any more, I’ll be walking.” Maria teased, “You wanted to run so badly, well, we’re running. Be happy Shorty.”

Natasha just flipped her off, but neither of them slowed down their paces. It wasn’t like the redhead couldn’t keep up, she did fine. But Maria was just really a lot taller.

“Hey! Hey, stop!” Natasha suddenly pulled on her arm.

“Really? You’re giving up already?” Maria raised an eyebrow, “We didn’t even finish the first mile.”

“Oh shut up.” Natasha scowled at her, “That’s Cynthia over there. Let’s go say hi.”

“It’s my day off.” Maria protested, but she took off after Natasha anyway.

“Do we really ever have a day off?” Natasha questioned, “Honestly?”

“I guess we don’t anymore.” She huffed, but Natasha of course, as always, was right again. Maria just wanted to complain about something. Oh well, the redhead would give her enough things to complain about throughout the rest of their day, she had no doubt.

“Cynthia! Hi!” Natasha had her fake smile already firmly in place, “It’s so good to see you!”

“Oh hi!” Cynthia’s voice was still as shrill and squeaky as Maria remembered it, “What are you two doing up already? It’s so early!”

“Thank you!” Maria huffed dramatically, “You hear that babe? It’s so early!”

“Hush you.” Natasha shoved her playfully, “We’re out for our run.”

“ _Your_ run that you’ve decided to drag me on. Not our run. I don’t run.”

Natasha turned to face her, “Well then maybe you should quit smoking, and I wouldn’t have to worry about your health so much.”

“Drama queen.”

“You love me.” Natasha teased and Maria rolled her eyes automatically.

“I married you. It’s kind of in the contract that I have to love you.” Maria teased her back, but she wrapped her arm around the redhead to pull her a little closer. For the sake of their cover of course.

Cynthia chuckled at them, “I hope Barney and me will still be this in love when we’re married.”

“Ooooh any plans?” Natasha wiggled her eyebrows.

“God no!” Cynthia was quick to say, but she had that doofy in-love smile on her face, “No, we aren’t even really living together yet. I mean, I spend every night at his place, but he hasn’t asked yet.”

“It’s a scary thing to ask, you know. Moving in is basically being married without the paperwork. But he’ll ask, I know it.” Natasha waved it off, “Have you seen the way he looks at you? I wish Robin would look at me like that.”

“I do!” Maria protested, “When you bring me food, I do look at you like that.”

It was Natasha’s turn to roll her eyes.

“Come on, you both stare at each other all the freaking time.” Cynthia joked, “It’s almost disgusting.”

Maria blushed, but Natasha just smirked proudly, like she knew she was that good of an actress.

“I… I don’t stare at her…” Maria muttered. She honest to god hoped she didn’t, because it wasn’t really something she was consciously doing. She never stared at Natasha. But sometimes her hair did that flippy thing, or her eyes did that sparkly thing and if that happened at the same time her mouth did the talking thing, it was kind of hard not to look. Natasha was a very beautiful woman after all.

Cynthia laughed, “Robin, don’t blush! I was just teasing you two. You’re cute together, you’re happy. You can stare all you want. I’m not judging.”

“I don’t stare.” Maria huffed.

Natasha chuckled too now, her small hand coming to rest on Maria’s cheek, pulling her pouting face closer to the redhead’s perfect one.

“It’s okay baby, I love it when you look at me like that.”

“Uhu.” Natasha was so close, closer than when she had basically told Maria to kiss her the day before, and for a second Maria forgot how to breathe. Or speak. Or do anything but just stare.

“See! You’re doing that staring thing again!” Cynthia was grinning, “I say this with all the love and respect, but get a room ladies.”

“I wish.” Natasha winked, “But she still owes me pancakes.”

“Owe you? You didn’t say that, you just said you wanted pancakes!”

“The fact that you have to pay was heavily implied.” Natasha smirked.

“When?”

“When you started smoking in my yard in front of the dog.”

Natasha’s tone was all teasing, but the daggers coming out of her eyes made Maria swallow heavily.

“It’s our yard.” She muttered weakly, “And I won’t do it again, I promise.”

“You better not.” Natasha warned and turned her attention back to the other woman, “But Cynthia, what are you doing up so early?”

“Oh I couldn’t sleep, I thought a walk might clear my head.” Cynthia shrugged, “I don’t know, I’ve been working on something at the university and I can’t get it figured out. Very frustrating. I’m right there, you know. I think it’s almost done, but it just doesn’t work for some reason.”

“You’ll get there.” Natasha smiled, “What are you working on?”

Cynthia looked a little caught, a twinge of guilt washing over her face, “Just uh… Just something… a vaccine. Nothing big. Just uh very frustrating.”

Maria nodded her understanding. This was a good thing, a very good thing. Cynthia still hadn’t figured out how to make the super soldier serum, the world wasn’t in imminent danger.

“You can do it.” Natasha reassured, “You’re like the smartest person I know, you’ll figure it out.”

“I sure hope so, they’re breathing down my neck to get this finished.”

Maria hid her frown. _They?_ Cynthia was working for someone? For who?

“Oh yeah, bosses, they’re the worst.” Natasha nodded. She seemed so casual, so completely oblivious. Like nothing had peaked her interest, but Maria knew it had. Natasha just really didn’t have any tell at all. It was a little disconcerting.

“Hmmm.” Cynthia nodded, “Speaking of bosses, I actually need to uh make a phonecall. Have fun on your run.”

They watched Cynthia leave, phone already in hand.

Natasha sighed sadly, “I’m not getting my pancakes, am I?”

“If we’re back in the house in five minutes, I’ll make you pancakes.”

“I wanted pancakes from that diner.” Natasha pouted.

“And I wanted to sleep. It’s my pancakes or none at all. Five minutes Buttercup.”

Natasha heaved another sigh and started running back to their house.

Maria could barely keep up with her brutal pace.

 

 


	14. You deranged fruit loop!

 

“Coulson, I want a complete transcript of Cynthia Warren’s most recent phonecall.” Maria had her phone in one hand and a spatula in the other, “Also, sent me a log of all the numbers she has called in the past few weeks.”

 _“Sure thing Maria. Why though? Is she thinking of selling the serum to anyone?”_ Coulson asked.

“I don’t know. We think she might be working for someone.” Maria said, trying to flip her sizzling pancake with one hand, “I just want to check.”

 _“You’ll have everything in an hour.”_ Coulson promised, _“Anything else?”_

“Let me ask Natash…” Maria turned her attention to the redhead, “NATASHA! Put that down!”

_“Uhm… is everything alright Maria?”_

“Hang on Coulson.” Maria glared at Natasha, “Put it down!”

Natasha grinned impishly, taking another huge bite, “I was just having a taste.”

“Put the pancake down now! I’m still cooking.” Maria waved the spatula at Natasha in a threat, not caring that she probably looked like some overbearing mother, “You can have pancakes when I’m all done! For fuck’s sake, what are you? Five? There’s not even syrup on them or anything!”

 _“Uh… Maria? Are you guys fighting over pancakes?”_ Coulson’s voice wavered a little with uncertainty.

“Look what you’ve done now, happy?” Maria bit at the redhead, “Yes Phil, we’re fighting over pancakes. Do you have a problem with that?”

 _“No, no not at all.”_ She could practically hear his grin, _“You do know I’m going to share this with Clint though, right?”_

“If you tell Barton anything…” Maria threatened.

“Oh! Is he talking about Clint?” Natasha piped up, trying to take the phone away in the same breathe, but Maria could just hold it out of her reach, “Ask him if he has a crush on him!”

Maria rolled her eyes, “Phil, Natasha who apparently has the maturity of a sixteen year-old, wants to know if you have a crush on Barton.”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone, one that Maria really hadn’t seen coming.

“Phil?” She ignored Natasha’s wide smile.

“Told you so.”

“Shut up Natasha!” Maria pushed her grabby hands away from the stack of pancakes, “Phil?”

_“I… uh… I’m kind of his boss.”_

Maria’s mouth fell wide open, “Oh my god, you have a crush on Barton!”

“I knew it!” Natasha honest to god squealed, jumping up and down like an overexcited child, “I knew it! I knew it!”

“Phil!”

_“There’s nothing going on!”_

Maria couldn’t help but crack a smile at Natasha’s antics and Phil’s panicky voice, “You know what? Bring those transcripts yourself tonight, I want to talk to you.”

 _“There’s nothing to talk about!”_ Coulson insisted.

“I have wine.”

_“Red?”_

“Of course.”

“I’ll cook dinner!” Natasha shouted so Coulson could hear.

_“I guess I’ll see you tonight then.”_

 

* * *

 

Coulson coming over was definitely the highlight of her week, Maria couldn’t wipe the smirk off her face if she tried.

Of course, the job came first, it always did with Phil. Maria admired his dedication to SHIELD, he really was some sort of real life mascot.

She respected him, he went above and beyond what she expected from any of her agents. Maria wouldn’t go as far as to call him a friend, she didn’t have any friends at work, but if she was forced to go for a drink with any agent of SHIELD,  she’d pick Phil.

He had proudly waved his briefcase when he got in, sitting down at the dining table in his pristine suit.

 “I have the documents you asked for.” Phil said, “You were right, she’s working for someone and it isn’t the university. We tracked the number she called but it’s a burner phone.”

“That’s not a problem.” Maria said, “Burners have a serial number, we can locate where it was sold and when.”

“We did, but it was paid in cash.” Coulson grimaced, “And there’s no security cameras.”

“Dammit.” Maria swore softly. Of course there weren’t any cameras, that would have been too easy. Either their mystery caller was really lucky, or really smart. Maria hoped against hope it was the first one.

“We’re trying to trace the burner, I have a team on it.” Phil assured her.

“Hmm, do you have the log I asked for?”

Phil pushed other papers under her nose, “The burner called her at least once every day in the last two weeks. But since Wednesday they’ve been calling Warren way more.”

“So she’s under pressure.” Maria scanned the list, “Look at the times for these calls, either early in the morning or late at night. So they won’t get caught.”

“Exactly.” Coulson nodded, “The pressure is good though, it will make them sloppy.”

“Food’s done!” Natasha yelled from the kitchen, “Put those files away or I will _accidentally_ spill all over them. It’s Saturday night people.”

Maria rolled her eyes, “Well in case you haven’t noticed, we’re kind of always working _Natalie_.”

“Put the attitude away or I will spill on that too.” Natasha warned, Maria just shook her head. She was starting to get used to being threatened by the redhead pretty much every second of every day.

“You two are starting to get along.” Phil commented, not bothering to hide his sarcasm or his frustration.

“I’m probably getting a Nobel prize for not killing her when all this is over.” Maria glared at Natasha as she said it.

“Shut up and eat Hill.”

“Nah, I’m going to let you eat first Romanoff.” Maria bit back childishly, “So that I’m sure you’re not _accidentally_ poisoning me.”

Phil sighed, “Is it going to be like this all night? Because if you can’t behave I’m going home. And then you’ll be stuck with each other again.”

“Sorry Phil.” Natasha apologized quickly, “It won’t happen again. And I would never poison you Maria.”

“I know… I’m sorry.”

Natasha smirked teasingly, “That would be too quick and painless. Might stab you though, you never know.”

“One of these days, I’m going to go blind from how often you make me roll my eyes!” Maria huffed, “You’re horrible.”

“You’re worse.” Natasha actually stuck her tongue out, like they were bickering toddlers on the playground.

“Seriously?” Phil looked between the two of them, “You’re children.”

“I know.” Natasha was all smiles, “I’ll stop now, she just makes it too easy you know?”

Maria shook her head, “I’m not even going to respond anymore.”

“So, I guess I won’t be asking how things have been here, huh?” Phil teased.

“Noooo, but,” Maria smirked at him, “I guess I should ask you have been? Anything you want to share with the class?”

Phil turned slowly red, “It’s nothing Maria, I… Clint is a fun guy but I’m not… I’m not _gay_. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!”

“What happened the night I dropped you both of at your place?” Natasha asked with a raised eyebrow, “Just curious.”

“Nothing happened!” Phil protested, “We watched a movie, had a beer, he slept on the couch. I don’t know guys.”

“You have a crush on him, nothing wrong with that.” Maria shrugged, taking it easy on her colleague, “Barton’s kinda hot. With the muscles and all that.”

“And he’s funny too.” Natasha added, “And really sweet when he wants to be.”

“That doesn’t make you gay, it just means that you notice that he’s pretty beautiful.”

“Yeah…” Coulson had his eyes fixed on the table, “I’m not gay… I just admire him? And Clint isn’t gay either so that’s not even… even if I were gay, it wouldn’t even matter.”

“Come on! What’s with you guys? Are you really that hung up on gay stereotypes?" Natasha huffed, “Clint is gay! Just because he doesn’t prance around in sparkly shorts doesn’t make him straight.”

“He’s… _oh_.” Phil froze, “Oh…”

“Maybe you should have told him that a little more gently.” Maria smirked, “I think you broke him Darling.”

“He should know, he’s stupidly in love with Clint.” Natasha shrugged with a smile in her eyes, “Sweetheart _.”_

Maria rolled her eyes before groaning, “See? I’m going to be blind by the end of this mission. Blind and insane.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow, “You mean you aren’t insane already?”

“Ha ha ha, your jokes are killing me.”

“He’s gay?” Phil asked, seemingly oblivious to their conversation, “And I’m… oh shit… what if I like him?”

Maria felt a little bad for him, Phil was obviously panicking at the idea of being in love with another man. She remembered how difficult coming to herself out had been, how disappointed she was that she just couldn’t make herself fall in love with that perfectly nice boy from across the street.

“Phil, it’s going to be fine.” She tried to sooth, but compassion wasn’t really her strong suit, “It’s just a crush. You don’t have to act on it if you’re uncomfortable.”

“What kind of advice is that?!” Natasha scowled, “Don’t listen to her Phil, go for it. You only live once and you’ve got nothing to lose. Just tell him.”

“He’s not ready!” Maria argued, “He has to take his time for this, you can’t just be in a relationship with everyone who bats their eyes at you.”

“I didn’t say he had to date him, I just said he has to be honest!” Natasha protested, “You can’t just lie about your feelings, it’s not fair to Clint! Do you know how many times I’ve had to listen to him rambling on and on about Phil? He deserves to know!”

“But it’s not fair to Phil either!” Maria pointed out, “You can’t just force him to out himself!”

“Could you guys please stop fighting!” Phil shouted, “Stop it!”

He looked so sad, and Maria felt guilty for letting her frustration with Natasha get the better of her. Again.

“I’m sorry Phil.” Natasha was first to speak, her face and voice softening, “I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah… me too.” Maria said, ashamed for acting so childish.

Phil sighed again, “Clint is gay?”

“Yeah.”

“Does he… god I feel fifteen all over again. Does he talk about me?”

Natasha smiled, it was a smile Maria hadn’t really seen on her before, wide and soft and honest, “Constantly.”

Phil flushed adorably, “I… he’s so… so…”

Maria chuckled when he couldn’t find his words, “You’re smitten man!”

“Maybe a little.” His cheeks were as red as Natasha’s hair.

“You should tell him.” Natasha assured him, quickly adding “When you’re ready. You should really tell him.”

“I guess that’s as close as you’ll come to saying I’m right.” Maria smirked triumphantly, and yeah, it was childish and petty but she just couldn’t help herself pointing it out, “Thank you Dear.”

“You’re welcome Cupcake.” Natasha said with a glare, and somehow the petname sounded more like an insult than anything else.

“Ladies…” Phil warned.

“What?” Maria smirked innocently, “Me and Itsy Bitsy Spider over here are just having a nice civil conversation.”

Natasha’s glare at the slight jab only made her grin wider. There was just something about riling the redhead up.

“As always.” Natasha mouth formed a thin line, “Pass me the wine, will you Booboo?”

“Anything for you Honey Bun.” Maria handed her the bottle with a grin. Natasha looked so bothered by her mere existence, Maria couldn’t even begin to describe how pleased that made her.

“Thank you Charming.” Natasha winked but the malice in her voice was unmistaken. Maria just wanted to laugh in her face.

She was having so much fun picking on Natasha.

“You’re welcome Snuggles.”

“I feel very uncomfortable…” Phil interrupted, “Maybe I should head home…”

“Don’t Phil.” Natasha eased him back down, “You can’t leave me alone with Tinkerbell over there.”

“Tinkerbell?” Now that wasn’t funny, “Really? In what universe do I look like Tinkerbell?”

Natasha shrugged, and Maria hated that sparkle in her green eyes. Like the redhead knew she had gotten under her skin again.

“A very gay one I guess, Sugar Cakes.”

“Seriously, you little Dumpling, could you go one day without pointing out how gay I am?” Maria narrowed her eyes, “Because I kinda already know. And it’s not something I tend to forget.”

“Oh trust me, I know Butterfly. I’ve seen you look at me.”

“Well excuse the lesbian for having eyes!” Maria snapped, “Here’s a spoon! Why don’t you just gauge them out Pumpkin!”

“Pumpkin? Pumpkin!” Natasha raised her voice, “Is that a redhead joke? I swear to god, fucking Chipmunk, if that is a redhead joke…”

“It’s not a redhead joke, you deranged Fruit Loop!” Maria shot back, “It’s a pumpkin joke! Because you look all normal but people tend to put you outside so you can scare the shit out of everyone!”

“Will you two fucking stop it!” Phil screamed over them, “For fuck’s sake! This is it! Natasha you’re coming home with me tonight, so you can both cool off! It’s been less than a week and you’re already screaming bloody murder!”

“I will go get my stuff.” Natasha grumbled, fleeing from the dining room.

“Phil…”

“Oh shut up.” Phil glared at her, “You’re supposed to be the freaking Deputy Director, Maria! Not a child! I will bring Natasha back tomorrow morning, I suggest you think about how you want to continue this mission.”

“Coulson…” Maria tried again but he just interrupted her.

“Because if I see this behavior again, I’m calling Fury and putting an end to this mission.”

Maria couldn’t do anything but sigh. He was right, she was purposely being rude to Natasha. And honestly, even seeing how disappointed and upset Phil was, Maria still wanted to go upstairs and yell at Natasha some more. She just couldn’t help it.

The redhead frustrated her beyond belief and she just wanted Natasha to feel as cranky as she did. It was unfair of her but she just couldn’t stop herself.

She watched as Phil ushered Natasha outside and into his car, promising to bring her back in the morning.

And Maria sighed again. She couldn’t understand the way Natasha made her feel. She was just so frustrated and angry and Natasha was so careless and casual and she really wanted to throw things at her stupid perfect head.

“I guess I fucked up again, huh Princess?” She muttered to her too large dog, “Well come on, as long as she’s out you can lie on the couch with me. There should be a hockey game on.”

But when Princess had her big head on Maria’s lap and the TV was just a tad too loud, Maria couldn’t understand the lonely feeling sinking in.

 

 


End file.
